Im' fucking losing my mind. so pissed off, I can feel my stomach getting angry. no wonder I'm stressed with those fucking people all around me. how I wish I woulden't have to talk with her, or that she would just STOP being so egoistic and the smartest pain iu the ass. sory for the language but I have to. my jaw exam is today and I am so pissed it better be easy. I mean, I know we have to clean things up but cant it be peaceful till then? NO, why would it be. It makes me frustrated that I can't talk to someone like we used to, I miss the chat with many other people that understand. I need to throw things... you know what is pissing me too? the fact that my feelings on that matter are not sadness, anger. It's all of that. so fucked up.
I just cannot believe it but there is actually snowing outside! I just hope there won't be much snow on the roads in the morning, or shit will happen. I have found my new love: Tumblr! I iave my own account for a long time.. But it wasn't untill now when i really started to realize what a wonder that is:) should I mention my finals for this semester are happening like now?:D Oh and i will get a new car this week, so excited!:))
There is one tiny little problem... i think i lost my best friend. There was no huge fight, no disagrements. I honestly don't know what the hell happened.
We were best friends for eleven years. We have been through bruised knees, mutually hating some teachers, secretly meeting in the toilet in the middle of a class, skipping afterschool activities (and being punished for it), pinky promises never to smoke, broken hearts and many crys, endless laughs, wishing on stars, best talks ever, countless random texts about "nothing really" but something "life important" and not to forget those "growing up" times - having a time of our life with a friend called tequila. Sure there were fights, but not many.
But what is most important, she was my sister by heart even if i have 3 sisters by blood. There is no person on earth that would know me as she did or that i would trust so much. This was the relationship i had nightmares about losing, i thought i would never survive it. But now, that is happening i feel nothing. Perhaps because i still don't know what's the point of this.
It could started in the summer when her, two girls that are mostly her friends and me went to the spa. There were some fights between her and one of the girls and my BF just didn't have the reason to be angry at that other girl. I knew both sides of the story and my BF blamed me i am not being fair by not telling her what's the point (the other girl asked me not to). but eventualy i gave in and since then till now, there were no problems related to that. It could be that we just lost the connection - she went to the city, i stayed at home. For me that's not a problem because we talked every day. For me the problem began when she started to answer on all of my texts by saying: "Oh, poor you." It pissed me off because i wasn't complaining i was just explaining how my life was. It hurt me and i told her i don't want her to continue with that. But then something else happened. We talked only sometimes and when we did, i had a monologue. When i ask her what she's doing her answer is "nothing", when i asked her what she will be doing her answer was "i don't know", when i asked her how she is doing at school her reply was "fine". Excuse me, i like to talk but i wan't some feedback! My feelings went numb everytime something like this happened, and it killed me. She forgot about my birthday but i still sent her a text, it wasn't worth it. When i was at hers she was being quiet, absent and not interested in any kinds of conversation. Our last talk was even worse, i can't believe it even happened.She called me and i was a bit suprised that she called, because we haven't talked in a while. She asked me how i was doing and i relied with more than just fine - for the sake of saving a friendship. I asked her back and then the same sh*t happened. But in the middle of the talk she asked me a question and it was about when am i going to a nearby town because one of the library book's time expired (i had the book). I talled her about that a week before, so that she won't forget to rescedule it, but off course she didn't. So, the call was made just because she wanted that i go to the library and do it instead of her although she can do it over the phone. Not to mention we met in front of the library - it was akward, we went apart without saying bye.
The plan is to talk to her about us and why this is happening. If our time is by i won't push it, i just want for us to close it if that's what has to happen.
The things i miss the most are: talks about things i could only talk with her, sending (and receiving) random texts (we sent eachother texts with random lyrics, texts and pics we found amuzing), that moments of only eyes meeting and realizing what we feel or think.